Daily Affirmation 10-27-2025

Goobers are Candy?

This is my blog where I give my advice ... not good advice, by the way. That said, I wonder what happened to the dewey decimal system. Don't get me wrong, I didn't understand it to begin with, but that doesn't change the fact that it lasted for a seriously long time. Shouldn't the old testament be 0000-0001? That would make sense, but NOOOO. Dammit why am I discussing this. Just like you, I enjoy useless information.

• What really is the appropriate ingredients to lobster thermador? Actually, what is lobster thermador? I've never had it and I can guarantee neither have you.

• If baseball was timed (like basketball, football, soccer or hockey) how long do you think a game should be?

• If there is a god, why wouldn't he/she wear those weird armored clothing like the gladiators? Seems kind of cooler than a crappy robe. Wait, unless its a robe stolen from the Beverly Hills hotel. Now I see it. Fair enough, this now makes sense to me. God wears stolen robes from the Beverly Hills hotel.

• Is it safe to ask your wife "How's my little seacow?"

• If you have to pick one, gasoline or kerosene, which one seems more drinkable?

• Why did Donald Duck not have pants? He seemed to expose himself a little too much.

• If a priest is a pedarest, call we call him a priestarest?

• Why did so many serial killers eat their victims? Was it to get rid of the evidence or did they actually enjoy the flavor?

• Whats the deal with cats and dogs? Seems so racist in the animal world.

• If 8 ounces is a cup, and 4 cups is a gallon ... wait thats correct. Ignore this one.

• Ducks rape one another. That's a true statement, look it up.

• Whats more fun, day drinking or night drinking? I guess prefer day drinking because it can bleed into night drinking but that's not the point.

• Whats worse, online gambling sites or pharmaceuticals?

• If its raining men, do we have to duck?

• What the fuck is 6 pence and how does it lead to a pokcet full of pie?

• Shit, what the fuck is 4 and 20? and why would someone bake blackbirds, which sound like crows to me?

• If you say, "I joke" does that make every vile statement okay? Example, he was beaten to death with a lute but deserved it, especially after that shitty song he played? Just kidding. This joke would go over so well in the 1400's.

• Do doctors just base their diagnoses on probabilities? If so, couldn't any asshole tell me, "looks like you have a 95% chance its syphillis.

• How do you think the bird who tweets out of key feels?

• Why do I know what a Speaks Gazelle is?

• When a deer sees headlights, do they freeze because they think a magic star is coming to bring them to a different universe?

• If aliens really do exist, and are so advanced, how is it possible they have no ability to communicate? Also, why do they all seem to analy rape those in a Florida trailer park?

• Quick, point to California. That was easy right? Now point to Oklahoma!

• Hydrazine, Flourine, etc. See the "what to drink" question.

• Quick, what is a vibraphone? Fuck it, how about a sousaphone? You don't know nor do I. In fact we never want to. I just want to wear the outfits they wore in the 1400's.

• Who says Jalleluah? Especially when you are getting pummeled by men falling from the sky.

• Are elves real and if so do they really make cookies? I know Mr and Mrs Keebler did.

 Illegal Emigrant

This is my lovely blog which contains nothing helpful, especially regarding usage or maintenance of a chainsaw. If I learned anything its, "don't play with matches". Wait, not that. "Don't use alcohol consumption as the 'why I did that' excuse."

• When did it become funny to lose an eye. That seems like it would really suck. I can only assume having one eye would not be condusive to driving a formula 1 car. Good if you want to be a pirate. Ahhh, thats it. I figured out the math. 1 eye != formula 1. 1 eye >= pirate > 0.

• Birds and old people fly south for winter. Old people only migrate to Florida, birds are smarter than that.

• If aliens came to our planet, do you think bestial necrophilia would confuse the shit out of them?

• Why is it combining the previous to statements yield the following outcome, "could be anyone here in Florida". Fuck that state is so stupid ... sorry, stoopid.

• If I take a girl to dinner should I assume sex at the end of the date or is that what the duct tape is and tennis balls are for?

• QUICK, where is Sheboygan Wisconsin on a map. Lord knows I have no fucking clue.

• If artificial intelligence is going to replace my job, yet I am the guy who shovels up horse shit at a farm, isn't it a good thing?

• Is it okay to accidentally lose 1 kid when you have more than 2? I mean, its not like its going to really matter in the grand scheme of things.

• Does anyone still use an alarm clock? If you do, what frequency do you put the radio on? Or, do you simply surf until something comes in and leave it there. I did that in college and woke up to childrens music, making me so angry and irritable for an entire day. Makes one think that the music is not really safe for children. This is why my kids listened to Slayer in the morning. Nothing like a 3 year old waking up to Angel of Death. Fucking crybaby.

• At what point did these faggots (see cigarette in ye Olde English) in government really think any of us fucking care about their opinion? They clearly make some of the dumbest decisions. Take LGBTQ as an example. When was the last time you said, "that guy, dressed like a girl, seems like a real badass!". Leave everyone alone for chrissakes. Nobody is doing any harm, except these assholes who think its dangerous for their stupid children.

• If FOX news was a cult, would you join?

• Seems really intelligent to assume only 1 media outlet in the entirity of the globe is telling the truth. Wait, seems a lot like a fucking cult.

• I loved She Sells Sanctuary. Just saying.

• QUICK, who is the inventor of the buffet?

• If Jesus was real ... remember he is written about like 200 years AFTER he existed ... and he was the son of God, why doesn't he have a sister? Seems like God was kind of a misogynist dickwad. Unless of course she was like 16 and a bitch.

• Let's agree on Santa. 1 day, entire world on a sled, shit load of toys for children. Now, assume he travels at light speed. I understand these are all ridiculous, but follow me on this journey. God created the world in 7 days. Not traveled the world, but created it. thats every species, all flora, etc. If you did the math on that one, God would have to create a species every nanosecond. Let alone configuring it all for landscape. Now, which one seems more reasonable? God v Santa ... lets get ready to rumble.

• Why isn't it possible to hitch a ride on the outside of a rocket like they proved is possible in cartoons?

• I wish I could have a party like they show in those prescription drug ads. 6 people, a ton of decorations and 2 morons dancing around like fruits to shitty music. I have no question about this one, its just on my bucket list.

• You know what yields mixed emotions? Getting mugged at legoland.

• If Disney is the thing you go see with your kid(s) to simply check the box, how many days can you afford to spend time there? I believe it now costs $500 per person and they get to rename your children. Regardless, me, my wife, Goofy, Minny and Barnard are all out of cash.

• Why are prices for cruises so low? Is it that they suck or that your life is in the hands of a drunk captain who ate bad oysters?

• Shooting your eye out seems worse than simply losing an eye (as in its only fun until someone loses an eye). The thought of a bullet cracking into my eye socket then stopping short of my brain seems like it would really suck. Same outcome as before. See, the math worked again.

• Which is better, sex with a different person or makeup sex?

• Is sex with an old girlfriend technically different?

• Is it okay to wear a thong bathing suit as a guy?

• If Rome wasn't built in a day, doesn't that violate the whole God built the world in 7 days thing?

• Do you think donkeys and mules get offended if you call them an ass?

• When doth thou continue eclisiastic studies? I just wanted to use those words in a question.

• If container ships carry containers and containers contain stuff. Is the stuff technically more containers? This is very confusing to me.

• If music is an art form, and your kid draws like shit, can we assume they play the flutephone like a monkey would?

• You know what ones wife does NOT appreciate? Buying 3 kazoos for 3 young kids because dad saw them at the music store. Holy fuck the caucophony of sound was amazing.

• How great would it be if all the Beatles music was originally written on slide whistle.

• When does someone decide that the Tuba is the instrument for them? Nothing like lugging around a giant piece of metal when you are 8 years old.

• Is there anything better than a string orchestra in middle school? Its not that every kid plays a wrong note, its that everyone, literally every string player, is tuned slightly off from their nearest neighbor. This makes me smile.

• Anything lamer than Mens Collegiate Volleyball? Don't get me wrong, I will watch it when nothing else is on ESPN.

• How is water polo really a sport? Where does one learn to play it? Why does someone pick that as their sport of choice? Can I wear a thong when I play?

• I miss all cereal using the word sugar in the brand title.

When life hands you lemons

I will begin by saying I have nothing of significance to say ... again. I need help like everyone else. Serious help. That being said, I have lots and lots of unanswered questions. As a good friend of mine once said, "Stop touching yourself in the women's bathroom".

1. Why is it okay to own a dog, pet a dog, love a dog, but not eat a dog? I am not saying I want to eat a dog, I just want to understand the whole semantics of this crap.
2. I find that duct tape and tennis balls really make for an odd date.
3. If life was a box of chocolates, why was forrest gump so fucking stupidf?
4. So I learned at a young age not to gamble. My father found me flipping baseball cards that he bought me and nearly killed me. I bet you that you have a similar story.
5. LGBTQ. I get it and support it. But the Q? Seriously? I've questioned a lot of shit in my life and I don't get a whole letter in an acronym.
6. Is it ever okay to think someone is hot after they died? I am going with like 5 minutes after they died ... just saying.
7. Is it ever okay to be around someone who died 5 minutes ago? I am fairly confident you would be involved. See previous comment and let that shit loop around you head for some time.
8. Remember physics? I don't, so if you have any time, I would really appreciate it if you can teach me how to do the acceleration problem. I can pay you, cause my kids need some help.
9. There is a small chance that my television talks to me. Oh wait, thats just the volume button.
10. Why do women complain so much about BJs when men have to hunt down there for dear life with goggles and a flashlight? This may be just me, but I think its fun to go "deep" and make believe you are aquaman.
11. If arson was really bad, shouldn't the first guy that figured out fire be arrested?
12. How is it possible the Christian calendar took over the universe? BC/AD/WHOGIVESAFUCK. God hates you and so do I.
13. So I decided to talk dirty during sex. One problem, I realized I watch a lot of Spanish porn. Do you realize how hard it is to say “oooooh papi” when you are the guy?
14. I met this mother and her daughter the other day, and I wish I this was simply a joke, but it isn’t. I introduced myself and the mother said, “I’m Joan Webber, this is my daughter, Joan Webber.” It was at that instant in time I realized how much women are truly suppressed. We don’t even give you suffixes … Joan Webber jr, Joan Webber the second, Joan Webber the impaler.
15. Anyone snore? Anyone use a CPAP machine? Wasn’t the whole goal of dying to kick it while you are sleeping? Why did they invent something that prevents that one joy we all pray for?
16. Is it possible to find a needle in a haystack? I think that is complete bullshit. I can't find my fucking keys, let alone a needle ... in a haystack.
17. I just realized that fourteen years ago I was younger. That's it. I wish I had something else, but I don't.
18. Why would anyone create the refrain E-I-E-I-O? Just let that sink in. The more you think about it, the more you can't stop singing it, the more you hate me for bringing it up. See, now that is funny.
19. Fuck, I can’t find my drink. Oh there it is. Don't panic as I know you were all concerned for my health.
20. Fondle is such a bad word. It sounds wrong, immediately makes you think of something illegal, but feels oh so good.

Legomania

Quarterly Affirmation

I have nothing to offer outside of random lego pieces around the house. that said, these are my thoughts and I offer no explanation.

• a vagina is like an evil bank that randomly gives you debt after you make a deposit and offers a very expensive withdrawal process
• greatest Christmas gift ever. tell your kids you gave them the Internet. they can't really prove you wrong
• marketing is a lot like quantum mechanics: may reduce cholesterol. can walk through a wall. by the way, I have no idea what marketing is.
• If five people enter a room and four leave, is that last guy the dentist who didn’t recommend trident gum?
• If I could fly I would totally use it to spy on random people I want to have sex with. Why doesn’t superman do that?
• There’s a fine line between creepy and owning a clown costume
• I think minivans should be painted like ice cream trucks
• imagine what it felt like if you auditioned for the music man and were trombonist 77
• how cool would it be if 1 day a year they put water in the hadron collider and handed out inner tubes
• I believe that addiction is based on a simple premise, “the more I’m fucked up, the less I give a shit about your opinion”
• remember when you didn’t have kids? I hate them.
• I want the world to go back to the bartering system. For example, I will give you an apple and you will give me $100
• TSA needs to learn how to fondle better
• why the fuck would anyone want 76 trombones … in a parade, nonetheless
• fjord. enjoy that word 
• I think lego should make bricks that don’t stick together just to fuck with kids
• why do teenage girls push their lips together when being photographed as if they are sucking on the worlds smallest penis?
• heart attack yak yak yak yak yak. Nice lyric you asshole. Billy Joel should write sympathy cards … “Heard you kid’s retarded…ed..ed..ed..ed..ed..ed”
• how much cereal does one have to eat before they feel like they blew captain crunch
• It would be so cool if Achilles had plantar fasciitis (cue sound of one had clapping)
• seriously? 76 farty sounding instruments? I get the whole broadway gay thing, but this borders on sadistic

Yet Another Affirmation

I will begin by saying I have nothing of significance to say ... again. I need help like everyone else. Serious help. That being said, I have lots and lots of unanswered questions. As a good friend of mine once said, "It burns when I pee".

1. Porn would be so much better if i could bookmark the good videos.
2. I don't know what is worse, raising children or realizing they are a depreciating asset.
3. Why is it old people insist on dying and being reunited with their spouse? They ever consider that their spouse is happy as fuck they are no longer with them?
4. I'll preface this with "there are a lot of religions and everyone insists theirs is the true one". imagine if you die only to find out Branch Davidians had it correct.
5. I give millennials a lot of credit for dressing like barbers from 1945. Also, the beard thing. Way to make it impossible to separate you from a lineup of ISIS fighters .
6. There should be an IQ test for voting. We put people through hell to simply adopt a stupid cat, but picking the leader of the free world? meh.
7. Why does it feel so awkward when you see a hot police officer?
8. If every Greek diner stopped giving out those free shitty cookies, i bet they can rebuild the greek economy in 3 weeks.
9. Not enough jobs require stupid hats (like train conductor, police officer or flying nun).
10. Why am i required to have insurance? isn't that the same as betting?
11. Duct tape makes everyone "available”.
12. If superman and wonder woman had a kid, would the child produce invisible poop? or would the toilet be invisible? you know 1 of those things is totally feasible.
13. Implosive diarrhea is a real thing. Look it up.
14. If your kid makes a joke, and it's really funny, but very, very wrong, in what order do you compliment for the joke and scold for the wrongness? Also, if you scold first and compliment second, are you a terrible person?
15. If i have 1 drink, every day, at 7am, does that make me more of an alcoholic than the person who has 12, daily, starting at 8pm? For what it's worth, i do both, but wanted to cut back and figured i would straw poll it.
16. I would totally bang Smurfette.
17. I wish I got a participation trophy after sex.
18. I blame crayola for racism.
19. I believe the term redneck led to the sign "no shirt, no service".
20. It's totally not fun and games when someone loses an eye. That said, a finger is fucking hilarious.
21. Does North Korea realize that nobody likes them?
22. Is there a calculation for when boobs start drooping like half-filled water balloons?
23. Why do feet smell?
24. Do you think when a bird shits on someone’s head it says to the other birds, “HOLY SHIT, one in a million. Steve, you owe me $20.”
25. Why are cab drivers always eating when they pick me up?
26. If your girlfriend’s mom is hot, is it okay to tell her? It is a compliment, for chrissakes.
27. When something new is discovered, who gets to pick the name of that thing?
28. Doesn’t non-profit just mean “lets pay everyone more so that the company doesn’t show a profit”?
29. If you are a transexual who prefers the natural opposite sex, doesn’t that make your partner a homosexual?
30. If you go into a bathroom to wash your hands, right after someone took a foul smelling crap, and someone walks in, is it okay to say “I didn’t do it”?
31. When is it okay to resort to cannibalism?
32. If a picture says a thousand words, what do movies say?
33. How is it possible that ear hair grows at a faster pace than any other hair on the body?
34. Do six items of the exact same type count as 1 when checking out of the express lane?

Daily Affirmation

I will begin by saying I have nothing of significance to say ... again. I need help like everyone else. Serious help. That being said, I have lots and lots of unanswered questions. As a good friend of mine once said, "all aspirin is chewable if your head hurts enough".

1. Ever make up lyrics to a song so it sounds funny? I tend to do this with songs that are not the most masculine thing you've heard (like Copa Cabana by Manillow). Problem is, I know the original lyrics ... why dear God do I know the original lyrics? Shit, I could belt out the lyrics to I Will Always Love You, yet be the first guy to call another dude a homo for listening to it. This really confuses me ... on way too many levels to discuss on a blog.

2. Remember when drinking 3 beers got you drunk? We pride ourselves on being able to drink a case, but fail to forget the 3-beer guy got drunk for like $4. From an economic standpoint, having tolerance makes you look like an idiot.

3. Snarky and Hutch would have been a way cooler TV show. One dude who kinda looks like a beefcake (see #1 for my confusion) and another who simply sounds like brainy smurf.

4. Why wasn't there a dumbfuck smurf? In my opinion, I've never been around 50 people and didn't think at least 1 was a complete idiot. Play the odds people, life is like Vegas.

5. Is it ok fart in an elevator and then dart out if NOBODY is in the elevator but you? Its not like you know if someone is gonna enter that thing within the next 5 minutes. We've all heard the tree falling in the forest thing.

6. If so many trees have fallen in the forest, wouldn't there be no trees left by now? It could also be I don't get the tree falling in the woods thing, but that is irrelevant. Wait, no it isn't. Whatever.

6. Why do people always wonder how they got sick after traveling on plane? You are in a goddamn tube ... sharing air ... banging the stewardess in the bathroom. Ok, not really the third part, but you get the point.

7. Did you know that espresso has less caffeine than coffee? Did you know that a medium cup of coffee at Starbucks is called a Grande? You did?! Faggot!

8. Is it wrong to masturbate (in a private place) during a kids birthday party? What if you saw a really hot mom? Having sex with her would definitely be wrong, but is masturbating?

9. In life, not enough people perform the reach-around. I mean this in a complete non-sexual way. Help a brother out here.

10. Fat free food does not equal getting skinny, it means fat free. I don't think the marketing on that could be more blatant. If it was get skinny food it would probably be called "fake horseshit flavored cheese food snack".

11. How many people have you had sex with in your lifetime? Divide that by 5 ... lets all be honest with ourselves.

12. There is no such thing as sex addiction. It should be called "getting caught and its my only defense".

13. If Jesus was a carpenter, couldn't he figure out how to un-nail himself? Seems like a pretty shitty carpenter to me.

14. If 5 + 5 = 10, and 10 + 10 = 20, why does 5 + 10 = 17? Wait ...

15. Why do we wash our hands after peeing? Shouldn't we wash them BEFORE peeing? Don't we know where our dick has been?

16. Its pronounced yin | yang, not yinG | yang. Please stop using that phrase if you are too stupid to recognize that.

17. If I could have any super-power in this world it would be invisibility. This way I could kill people without being seen. Then again, I could just be smart about it and probably not get caught. I take that back, it would be flight. Well ...that's actually stupid too, people would be reporting some guy floating in the air and some government group would try and shoot me down. I got it, Propensity to make money from dumb ideas ... now that's a fucking super power.

18. Should it scare me that all my derelict friends from elementary school through high school are now cops?

19. How does the Spork continue to sell? Have you ever been in a situation where you said, "Damn, if I had a spork all would be good."? Cell phones are wayyyyyy bigger than an entire dining room set of utensils, yet we need to combine a fork and spoon. That's priorities for you.

20. Can someone explain the difference between an optometrist and an opthomologist? They sound so close but really piss off the latter if you mix them up.

21. Women, if you wear boots that ride up to your knees I will want to fuck you. Then again, women, if you have a vagina, I will want to fuck you. This is really my problem, but the boot thing is general.

22. If soap operas showed full penetration they would be much cooler. In fact, they are an advertising holy grail ... audience = every male in America.

23. If I could kill a child character it would be Barney. I have a funny feeling I am not alone on this one.

24. Why do so many things piss me off on a daily basis? It's not me, right?

25. I can't stop staring at this women with boots up to her knees and a vagina (gross assumption there, but probably accurate). I had to share that.

26. Do people who stink of BO not realize they stink of BO? And if not, shouldn't we tell them?

27. How is it illegal to commit suicide? Who you gonna charge after the fact?

28. Why do porn lesbians look so hot, but real lesbians don mustaches? There is a disconnect here that genuinely offends me.

29. When I was a kid there used to be these commercials that showed a conflict then some wonderful, sappy resolution. Afterwards you would here the tag line "And that's one to grow one". Let's be realistic people, I think you are an idiot and you find me borderline moronic. I will kill you for 50 bucks with a spork and you are too much of a pussy to even entertain the idea. Now THAT'S one to grow on.

30. Chia Pet (see #17)

31. Do you really need to put non-smoking signs in an elevator? I mean really.

32. Wouldn't it be cool if anyone who sued and lost had to pay what they sued for. I guarantee people would never have a lawsuit for their coffee being too hot without them knowing. I know this isn't funny, but I always wished this one, Maybe I could be a super-hero lawyer? Well thats just fucking retarded.

33. I'm a Mac, I'm a PC. NO, I'm an asshole stuck with using your crappy software and paying out the ass for it. Make that commercial (and add hot lesbians, during a soap opera sex scene, with boots that ride up to their knees)!

34. If you watch Fox News and believe it is fact your are most likely on the lower end of the bell curve. Then again, you probably don't know what bell curve is. Actually, you probably don't know what a bell is, so this one is falling on deaf ears.

35. Here is a phrase all too often not used in a company setting, "Orgy Meeting".

Weekly Affirmation

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.