I will begin by saying I have nothing of significance to say ... again. I need help like everyone else. Serious help. That being said, I have lots and lots of unanswered questions. As a good friend of mine once said, "all aspirin is chewable if your head hurts enough".
1. Ever make up lyrics to a song so it sounds funny? I tend to do this with songs that are not the most masculine thing you've heard (like Copa Cabana by Manillow). Problem is, I know the original lyrics ... why dear God do I know the original lyrics? Shit, I could belt out the lyrics to I Will Always Love You, yet be the first guy to call another dude a homo for listening to it. This really confuses me ... on way too many levels to discuss on a blog.
2. Remember when drinking 3 beers got you drunk? We pride ourselves on being able to drink a case, but fail to forget the 3-beer guy got drunk for like $4. From an economic standpoint, having tolerance makes you look like an idiot.
3. Snarky and Hutch would have been a way cooler TV show. One dude who kinda looks like a beefcake (see #1 for my confusion) and another who simply sounds like brainy smurf.
4. Why wasn't there a dumbfuck smurf? In my opinion, I've never been around 50 people and didn't think at least 1 was a complete idiot. Play the odds people, life is like Vegas.
5. Is it ok fart in an elevator and then dart out if NOBODY is in the elevator but you? Its not like you know if someone is gonna enter that thing within the next 5 minutes. We've all heard the tree falling in the forest thing.
6. If so many trees have fallen in the forest, wouldn't there be no trees left by now? It could also be I don't get the tree falling in the woods thing, but that is irrelevant. Wait, no it isn't. Whatever.
6. Why do people always wonder how they got sick after traveling on plane? You are in a goddamn tube ... sharing air ... banging the stewardess in the bathroom. Ok, not really the third part, but you get the point.
7. Did you know that espresso has less caffeine than coffee? Did you know that a medium cup of coffee at Starbucks is called a Grande? You did?! Faggot!
8. Is it wrong to masturbate (in a private place) during a kids birthday party? What if you saw a really hot mom? Having sex with her would definitely be wrong, but is masturbating?
9. In life, not enough people perform the reach-around. I mean this in a complete non-sexual way. Help a brother out here.
10. Fat free food does not equal getting skinny, it means fat free. I don't think the marketing on that could be more blatant. If it was get skinny food it would probably be called "fake horseshit flavored cheese food snack".
11. How many people have you had sex with in your lifetime? Divide that by 5 ... lets all be honest with ourselves.
12. There is no such thing as sex addiction. It should be called "getting caught and its my only defense".
13. If Jesus was a carpenter, couldn't he figure out how to un-nail himself? Seems like a pretty shitty carpenter to me.
14. If 5 + 5 = 10, and 10 + 10 = 20, why does 5 + 10 = 17? Wait ...
15. Why do we wash our hands after peeing? Shouldn't we wash them BEFORE peeing? Don't we know where our dick has been?
16. Its pronounced yin | yang, not yinG | yang. Please stop using that phrase if you are too stupid to recognize that.
17. If I could have any super-power in this world it would be invisibility. This way I could kill people without being seen. Then again, I could just be smart about it and probably not get caught. I take that back, it would be flight. Well ...that's actually stupid too, people would be reporting some guy floating in the air and some government group would try and shoot me down. I got it, Propensity to make money from dumb ideas ... now that's a fucking super power.
18. Should it scare me that all my derelict friends from elementary school through high school are now cops?
19. How does the Spork continue to sell? Have you ever been in a situation where you said, "Damn, if I had a spork all would be good."? Cell phones are wayyyyyy bigger than an entire dining room set of utensils, yet we need to combine a fork and spoon. That's priorities for you.
20. Can someone explain the difference between an optometrist and an opthomologist? They sound so close but really piss off the latter if you mix them up.
21. Women, if you wear boots that ride up to your knees I will want to fuck you. Then again, women, if you have a vagina, I will want to fuck you. This is really my problem, but the boot thing is general.
22. If soap operas showed full penetration they would be much cooler. In fact, they are an advertising holy grail ... audience = every male in America.
23. If I could kill a child character it would be Barney. I have a funny feeling I am not alone on this one.
24. Why do so many things piss me off on a daily basis? It's not me, right?
25. I can't stop staring at this women with boots up to her knees and a vagina (gross assumption there, but probably accurate). I had to share that.
26. Do people who stink of BO not realize they stink of BO? And if not, shouldn't we tell them?
27. How is it illegal to commit suicide? Who you gonna charge after the fact?
28. Why do porn lesbians look so hot, but real lesbians don mustaches? There is a disconnect here that genuinely offends me.
29. When I was a kid there used to be these commercials that showed a conflict then some wonderful, sappy resolution. Afterwards you would here the tag line "And that's one to grow one". Let's be realistic people, I think you are an idiot and you find me borderline moronic. I will kill you for 50 bucks with a spork and you are too much of a pussy to even entertain the idea. Now THAT'S one to grow on.
30. Chia Pet (see #17)
31. Do you really need to put non-smoking signs in an elevator? I mean really.
32. Wouldn't it be cool if anyone who sued and lost had to pay what they sued for. I guarantee people would never have a lawsuit for their coffee being too hot without them knowing. I know this isn't funny, but I always wished this one, Maybe I could be a super-hero lawyer? Well thats just fucking retarded.
33. I'm a Mac, I'm a PC. NO, I'm an asshole stuck with using your crappy software and paying out the ass for it. Make that commercial (and add hot lesbians, during a soap opera sex scene, with boots that ride up to their knees)!
34. If you watch Fox News and believe it is fact your are most likely on the lower end of the bell curve. Then again, you probably don't know what bell curve is. Actually, you probably don't know what a bell is, so this one is falling on deaf ears.
35. Here is a phrase all too often not used in a company setting, "Orgy Meeting".
