Illegal Emigrant

This is my lovely blog which contains nothing helpful, especially regarding usage or maintenance of a chainsaw. If I learned anything its, "don't play with matches". Wait, not that. "Don't use alcohol consumption as the 'why I did that' excuse."

• When did it become funny to lose an eye. That seems like it would really suck. I can only assume having one eye would not be condusive to driving a formula 1 car. Good if you want to be a pirate. Ahhh, thats it. I figured out the math. 1 eye != formula 1. 1 eye >= pirate > 0.

• Birds and old people fly south for winter. Old people only migrate to Florida, birds are smarter than that.

• If aliens came to our planet, do you think bestial necrophilia would confuse the shit out of them?

• Why is it combining the previous to statements yield the following outcome, "could be anyone here in Florida". Fuck that state is so stupid ... sorry, stoopid.

• If I take a girl to dinner should I assume sex at the end of the date or is that what the duct tape is and tennis balls are for?

• QUICK, where is Sheboygan Wisconsin on a map. Lord knows I have no fucking clue.

• If artificial intelligence is going to replace my job, yet I am the guy who shovels up horse shit at a farm, isn't it a good thing?

• Is it okay to accidentally lose 1 kid when you have more than 2? I mean, its not like its going to really matter in the grand scheme of things.

• Does anyone still use an alarm clock? If you do, what frequency do you put the radio on? Or, do you simply surf until something comes in and leave it there. I did that in college and woke up to childrens music, making me so angry and irritable for an entire day. Makes one think that the music is not really safe for children. This is why my kids listened to Slayer in the morning. Nothing like a 3 year old waking up to Angel of Death. Fucking crybaby.

• At what point did these faggots (see cigarette in ye Olde English) in government really think any of us fucking care about their opinion? They clearly make some of the dumbest decisions. Take LGBTQ as an example. When was the last time you said, "that guy, dressed like a girl, seems like a real badass!". Leave everyone alone for chrissakes. Nobody is doing any harm, except these assholes who think its dangerous for their stupid children.

• If FOX news was a cult, would you join?

• Seems really intelligent to assume only 1 media outlet in the entirity of the globe is telling the truth. Wait, seems a lot like a fucking cult.

• I loved She Sells Sanctuary. Just saying.

• QUICK, who is the inventor of the buffet?

• If Jesus was real ... remember he is written about like 200 years AFTER he existed ... and he was the son of God, why doesn't he have a sister? Seems like God was kind of a misogynist dickwad. Unless of course she was like 16 and a bitch.

• Let's agree on Santa. 1 day, entire world on a sled, shit load of toys for children. Now, assume he travels at light speed. I understand these are all ridiculous, but follow me on this journey. God created the world in 7 days. Not traveled the world, but created it. thats every species, all flora, etc. If you did the math on that one, God would have to create a species every nanosecond. Let alone configuring it all for landscape. Now, which one seems more reasonable? God v Santa ... lets get ready to rumble.

• Why isn't it possible to hitch a ride on the outside of a rocket like they proved is possible in cartoons?

• I wish I could have a party like they show in those prescription drug ads. 6 people, a ton of decorations and 2 morons dancing around like fruits to shitty music. I have no question about this one, its just on my bucket list.

• You know what yields mixed emotions? Getting mugged at legoland.

• If Disney is the thing you go see with your kid(s) to simply check the box, how many days can you afford to spend time there? I believe it now costs $500 per person and they get to rename your children. Regardless, me, my wife, Goofy, Minny and Barnard are all out of cash.

• Why are prices for cruises so low? Is it that they suck or that your life is in the hands of a drunk captain who ate bad oysters?

• Shooting your eye out seems worse than simply losing an eye (as in its only fun until someone loses an eye). The thought of a bullet cracking into my eye socket then stopping short of my brain seems like it would really suck. Same outcome as before. See, the math worked again.

• Which is better, sex with a different person or makeup sex?

• Is sex with an old girlfriend technically different?

• Is it okay to wear a thong bathing suit as a guy?

• If Rome wasn't built in a day, doesn't that violate the whole God built the world in 7 days thing?

• Do you think donkeys and mules get offended if you call them an ass?

• When doth thou continue eclisiastic studies? I just wanted to use those words in a question.

• If container ships carry containers and containers contain stuff. Is the stuff technically more containers? This is very confusing to me.

• If music is an art form, and your kid draws like shit, can we assume they play the flutephone like a monkey would?

• You know what ones wife does NOT appreciate? Buying 3 kazoos for 3 young kids because dad saw them at the music store. Holy fuck the caucophony of sound was amazing.

• How great would it be if all the Beatles music was originally written on slide whistle.

• When does someone decide that the Tuba is the instrument for them? Nothing like lugging around a giant piece of metal when you are 8 years old.

• Is there anything better than a string orchestra in middle school? Its not that every kid plays a wrong note, its that everyone, literally every string player, is tuned slightly off from their nearest neighbor. This makes me smile.

• Anything lamer than Mens Collegiate Volleyball? Don't get me wrong, I will watch it when nothing else is on ESPN.

• How is water polo really a sport? Where does one learn to play it? Why does someone pick that as their sport of choice? Can I wear a thong when I play?

• I miss all cereal using the word sugar in the brand title.