Legomania

Quarterly Affirmation

I have nothing to offer outside of random lego pieces around the house. that said, these are my thoughts and I offer no explanation.

• a vagina is like an evil bank that randomly gives you debt after you make a deposit and offers a very expensive withdrawal process
• greatest Christmas gift ever. tell your kids you gave them the Internet. they can't really prove you wrong
• marketing is a lot like quantum mechanics: may reduce cholesterol. can walk through a wall. by the way, I have no idea what marketing is.
• If five people enter a room and four leave, is that last guy the dentist who didn’t recommend trident gum?
• If I could fly I would totally use it to spy on random people I want to have sex with. Why doesn’t superman do that?
• There’s a fine line between creepy and owning a clown costume
• I think minivans should be painted like ice cream trucks
• imagine what it felt like if you auditioned for the music man and were trombonist 77
• how cool would it be if 1 day a year they put water in the hadron collider and handed out inner tubes
• I believe that addiction is based on a simple premise, “the more I’m fucked up, the less I give a shit about your opinion”
• remember when you didn’t have kids? I hate them.
• I want the world to go back to the bartering system. For example, I will give you an apple and you will give me $100
• TSA needs to learn how to fondle better
• why the fuck would anyone want 76 trombones … in a parade, nonetheless
• fjord. enjoy that word 
• I think lego should make bricks that don’t stick together just to fuck with kids
• why do teenage girls push their lips together when being photographed as if they are sucking on the worlds smallest penis?
• heart attack yak yak yak yak yak. Nice lyric you asshole. Billy Joel should write sympathy cards … “Heard you kid’s retarded…ed..ed..ed..ed..ed..ed”
• how much cereal does one have to eat before they feel like they blew captain crunch
• It would be so cool if Achilles had plantar fasciitis (cue sound of one had clapping)
• seriously? 76 farty sounding instruments? I get the whole broadway gay thing, but this borders on sadistic

Yet Another Affirmation

I will begin by saying I have nothing of significance to say ... again. I need help like everyone else. Serious help. That being said, I have lots and lots of unanswered questions. As a good friend of mine once said, "It burns when I pee".

1. Porn would be so much better if i could bookmark the good videos.
2. I don't know what is worse, raising children or realizing they are a depreciating asset.
3. Why is it old people insist on dying and being reunited with their spouse? They ever consider that their spouse is happy as fuck they are no longer with them?
4. I'll preface this with "there are a lot of religions and everyone insists theirs is the true one". imagine if you die only to find out Branch Davidians had it correct.
5. I give millennials a lot of credit for dressing like barbers from 1945. Also, the beard thing. Way to make it impossible to separate you from a lineup of ISIS fighters .
6. There should be an IQ test for voting. We put people through hell to simply adopt a stupid cat, but picking the leader of the free world? meh.
7. Why does it feel so awkward when you see a hot police officer?
8. If every Greek diner stopped giving out those free shitty cookies, i bet they can rebuild the greek economy in 3 weeks.
9. Not enough jobs require stupid hats (like train conductor, police officer or flying nun).
10. Why am i required to have insurance? isn't that the same as betting?
11. Duct tape makes everyone "available”.
12. If superman and wonder woman had a kid, would the child produce invisible poop? or would the toilet be invisible? you know 1 of those things is totally feasible.
13. Implosive diarrhea is a real thing. Look it up.
14. If your kid makes a joke, and it's really funny, but very, very wrong, in what order do you compliment for the joke and scold for the wrongness? Also, if you scold first and compliment second, are you a terrible person?
15. If i have 1 drink, every day, at 7am, does that make me more of an alcoholic than the person who has 12, daily, starting at 8pm? For what it's worth, i do both, but wanted to cut back and figured i would straw poll it.
16. I would totally bang Smurfette.
17. I wish I got a participation trophy after sex.
18. I blame crayola for racism.
19. I believe the term redneck led to the sign "no shirt, no service".
20. It's totally not fun and games when someone loses an eye. That said, a finger is fucking hilarious.
21. Does North Korea realize that nobody likes them?
22. Is there a calculation for when boobs start drooping like half-filled water balloons?
23. Why do feet smell?
24. Do you think when a bird shits on someone’s head it says to the other birds, “HOLY SHIT, one in a million. Steve, you owe me $20.”
25. Why are cab drivers always eating when they pick me up?
26. If your girlfriend’s mom is hot, is it okay to tell her? It is a compliment, for chrissakes.
27. When something new is discovered, who gets to pick the name of that thing?
28. Doesn’t non-profit just mean “lets pay everyone more so that the company doesn’t show a profit”?
29. If you are a transexual who prefers the natural opposite sex, doesn’t that make your partner a homosexual?
30. If you go into a bathroom to wash your hands, right after someone took a foul smelling crap, and someone walks in, is it okay to say “I didn’t do it”?
31. When is it okay to resort to cannibalism?
32. If a picture says a thousand words, what do movies say?
33. How is it possible that ear hair grows at a faster pace than any other hair on the body?
34. Do six items of the exact same type count as 1 when checking out of the express lane?