When life hands you lemons

I will begin by saying I have nothing of significance to say ... again. I need help like everyone else. Serious help. That being said, I have lots and lots of unanswered questions. As a good friend of mine once said, "Stop touching yourself in the women's bathroom".

1. Why is it okay to own a dog, pet a dog, love a dog, but not eat a dog? I am not saying I want to eat a dog, I just want to understand the whole semantics of this crap.
2. I find that duct tape and tennis balls really make for an odd date.
3. If life was a box of chocolates, why was forrest gump so fucking stupidf?
4. So I learned at a young age not to gamble. My father found me flipping baseball cards that he bought me and nearly killed me. I bet you that you have a similar story.
5. LGBTQ. I get it and support it. But the Q? Seriously? I've questioned a lot of shit in my life and I don't get a whole letter in an acronym.
6. Is it ever okay to think someone is hot after they died? I am going with like 5 minutes after they died ... just saying.
7. Is it ever okay to be around someone who died 5 minutes ago? I am fairly confident you would be involved. See previous comment and let that shit loop around you head for some time.
8. Remember physics? I don't, so if you have any time, I would really appreciate it if you can teach me how to do the acceleration problem. I can pay you, cause my kids need some help.
9. There is a small chance that my television talks to me. Oh wait, thats just the volume button.
10. Why do women complain so much about BJs when men have to hunt down there for dear life with goggles and a flashlight? This may be just me, but I think its fun to go "deep" and make believe you are aquaman.
11. If arson was really bad, shouldn't the first guy that figured out fire be arrested?
12. How is it possible the Christian calendar took over the universe? BC/AD/WHOGIVESAFUCK. God hates you and so do I.
13. So I decided to talk dirty during sex. One problem, I realized I watch a lot of Spanish porn. Do you realize how hard it is to say “oooooh papi” when you are the guy?
14. I met this mother and her daughter the other day, and I wish I this was simply a joke, but it isn’t. I introduced myself and the mother said, “I’m Joan Webber, this is my daughter, Joan Webber.” It was at that instant in time I realized how much women are truly suppressed. We don’t even give you suffixes … Joan Webber jr, Joan Webber the second, Joan Webber the impaler.
15. Anyone snore? Anyone use a CPAP machine? Wasn’t the whole goal of dying to kick it while you are sleeping? Why did they invent something that prevents that one joy we all pray for?
16. Is it possible to find a needle in a haystack? I think that is complete bullshit. I can't find my fucking keys, let alone a needle ... in a haystack.
17. I just realized that fourteen years ago I was younger. That's it. I wish I had something else, but I don't.
18. Why would anyone create the refrain E-I-E-I-O? Just let that sink in. The more you think about it, the more you can't stop singing it, the more you hate me for bringing it up. See, now that is funny.
19. Fuck, I can’t find my drink. Oh there it is. Don't panic as I know you were all concerned for my health.
20. Fondle is such a bad word. It sounds wrong, immediately makes you think of something illegal, but feels oh so good.